What I’m about to say is going to come off as blasphemous at first. So please read my whole blog to get the full context of this statement.
If you do, I believe you will better enjoy your Christian singleness and be better situated to find a Christian spouse. Alright, here it goes:
Stop trying to put God first as a way of finding your future spouse.
What am I saying? Notice the last part of this sentence, “as a way of finding your future spouse.” Every Christian must always put God first. But I would argue that if you are “putting God first” as a means to something other than God, you are not actually putting God first.
Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21). In other words, whatever is your end goal is what you are truly putting first. Seeking God first to find a spouse is really seeking a spouse first.
God Cannot Be Mocked, So It’s Pointless to “Put God First to Find a Spouse”
As Christians, we believe God is in control. Therefore when we want to be married but we have not found a spouse yet, it’s easy to assume God is mad at us.
If God is in control and he has not blessed me with a spouse, he must be angry with me, right? Am I being punished for my past sins? Is that why God has not blessed me with a spouse?
As a result of this thinking, we assume the solution is to please God to increase our chances of being blessed with what we want. It’s kind of like Santa, “He’s making a list, and checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.” This is not how God works.
Since God does indeed want us to put God first, and the Bible does seem to indicate that when you please God he will bless you (Matthew 6:33), it’s logical to assume that if you want God to bless you with a Christian spouse, all you have to do is put God first.
While there’s fragments of truth here, this thinking is definitely not totally biblical. Just because you don’t have what you want does not mean God is mad at you.
Likewise, just because you have all the earthly blessings you do want does not mean God is pleased with you. Earthly blessings are not the thermometer of God’s pleasure in us. That type of thinking is rooted in “prosperity gospel” theology.
God’s ultimate gifts always come in the form of himself. When God is pleased with you, you will have a deeper relationship with God. When God is pleased with you, your joy in God will abound.
What God wants most of all is to be first in every area of our lives. He wants this for himself and for us. When God is first, he is glorified and we are blessed by his presence.
So when we try to put God first as a way of attaining some other blessing, like a Christian spouse, God sees right through this.
Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. (Galatians 6:7-8)
We reap what we sow. When we seek to please God, we reap a reward in God.
“Putting God First to Find a Spouse” Is Biblically Backwards
Seeking God first is not a means to end (like finding a spouse). Seeking God first is an end itself. The point of life is God.
I know we all mean well when we say we need to put God first, then our marriage, then our kids, then our friends, then our jobs, and est.
But a more biblical way to put it would be to say that we should put God first in our marriage, in our parenting, in our friendships, in our pursuit of a spouse, and est.
God is not just the most important category. God should overwhelm all categories of life. God doesn’t want to be placed in one box, even if it’s our first and most important box. Putting God first in everything is the goal, not just above everything.
So in the context of finding a spouse, you’ll have to work on the motivation of your heart if you hope to avoid trying to manipulate God, which never works anyways.
Therefore, rather than putting God first “to find a Christian spouse,” you should seek to put God first “in” your search for a Christian spouse. Seek God first and use your search for a spouse as a way to glorify God. Don’t use glorifying God as a way to find a spouse.
To seek God first to find a Christian spouse would be like marrying a woman for her money, “If I love you will you give me your money?” In the scenario, the man love’s what the woman can give her, not the woman herself. The same is true when we try to love God with the motivation of getting a Christian spouse.
The true blessing of a Christian marriage is that it helps you glorify, serve, and love God better. If you’re asking God for a spouse and your motivation is not rooted in pleasing God, then you’re asking God for a secondary gift. God wants to give you the best. So he often waits to bless us with a spouse until we are ready to use our marriage in service to him rather than using God to serve our future marriage.
Honestly, one of the scariest things is when God finally gives you a Christian spouse even though you want him or her for all the wrong reasons.
God will use the pain of this marriage, rather than the joy of a healthy marriage, to draw you to himself and help you put him first.
Odds Are, God Wants You To Be Married. So Put God First and Go For It!
I think one of the reasons the advice to “Put God first to find a Christian spouse” has resonated with so many Christian singles is because many view these two desires as opposing one another.
It’s as though if Christians were to admit they really did want a Christian spouse, it might compromise their other desire to put God first.
The problem is when you view having a Christian spouse as a different desire than pleasing God. These two desires should be the same. You should want a Christian spouse to assist your desire to please God.
These two desires never have to oppose one another. Marriage is a blessing from God (just as singleness is). You never have to feel ashamed for having a desire to be married (or single).
You can glorify God in your search for a spouse by doing it the right way, for the right reasons, and right alongside God as he leads and directs you.
Having said all that, if you know the desire to find a Christian spouse has become an idol to you, which means it has usurped rather than supported your desire to love God, then you shouldn’t go for it right away.
Repent of making a Christian spouse an idol. Take a break from pursuing a Christian spouse. And once you feel you can seek a spouse with the intent of pleasing God, then go for it.
The desire for a Christian spouse only opposes our desire to please God when we want a spouse more than God. But when we want God, and we want a Christian spouse to help us in our service to God, God is happy with this desire. Don’t be ashamed of it. Put God first and go for it!
There are definitely Christians who are called to a life of singleness. But the vast majority is called to marriage. Either way, every one of us is called to glorify God in all that we do.
Therefore, for those of you who want to find a Christian spouse, ask yourself “Why?” Is it for selfish reasons? Or is it for God-honoring reasons? Repent of the former and pursue the latter.
In your search for a spouse, do it out of desire to please God. Marriage glorifies the Lord, you want to glorify the Lord, therefore seek to be married not for selfish reasons but for the highest motive possible – to glorify the Lord.
You won’t be manipulating God. You’ll be positioning yourself to be blessed with the gift God wants for you – being able to better glorify God through a solid Christian marriage.
When the glory of God is the intent of our desire to be married, our desire to be married pleases God. Use everything, including your search for a spouse, as a way to glorify God.
Don’t try to glorify God so you can get a Christian spouse. Try to get a Christian spouse as another way of glorifying God.
Always Put God First
Putting God first is always the right thing to do. So in some sense, God is always telling us to put him first. However, I am talking about those moments in life where God is emphasizing this command to us in a more intentional way.
If You Feel Overwhelmed and Confused, God May Very Well Be Saying; “Just Put Me First”
Should you try harder to find a spouse or are you doing too much? Should you talk to that person about how they offended you or should you just let it go without saying anything?
Will your work environment get better if you stick it out for a little longer or is it time to start looking for a new job?
Life is full of so many questions. We want to do the right thing that God wants us to do, but so often we are unsure of what that actually is. When you feel overwhelmed and confused, it’s wise to come back to the simple truths of Scripture that always apply.
By putting God first, you can’t go wrong. Yes, there will still be questions, unknowns, and hard things you will have to deal with. However, when you are right with God, you will have that peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:6-7).
When God is on the throne of your heart, you will be able to rest in his promises, like Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
When You Feel Lost and Alone, God Could Most Likely Be Saying; “Just Put Me First”
Relationships with other humans are very good. God made us to need our communities. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Marriage is very good. Remember what God said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Having children is very good. Psalm 127:3, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”
And yet, all forms of human relationships will leave us feeling empty and alone if we are not first filled with the love of God. Psalm 16:2, “I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.’”
This verse does not mean we should not find joy in other people. Rather, it means that if the Lord is not the first love in our life, no other relationships will be good either. When he is first, however, this causes our love with other people to also flourish.
For as Psalm 16:3 then states, “As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.” How can David say all the good he has is from God (Psalm 16:2) and then immediately say all his delight is in people (Psalm 16:3)?
When we are full on God’s love, he empowers us to share that love with others.
Thus, not only do we need God first because his love is supreme, but without God, we can’t have healthy relationships with other people either, which is something God has also made us to need.
As 1 John 4:7-8 explains, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
When You Have a Really Strong Desire for Something You Don’t Yet Have, God may Be Saying, “Just Put Me First”
How can you long for a spouse without idolizing marriage? How can you pursue a better career without becoming greedy? How can you enjoy God’s gifts without worshiping them?
The way to enjoy lesser blessings is to put God first. By letting go of everything and fully committing your heart to God, you are also then free to properly handle everything God wants to give you.
As Psalm 37:4 explains, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Without first delighting in the Lord, we cannot have what our hearts desire most because at our core we desire God most.
When we are delighting in God, we are then free to enjoy other things too without worshiping them and asking too much of them. As Jesus said in Matthew 6:31-34, which states:
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
